Thoughts can be dangerous!

First off I am sorry for the lack of content over the last few days, the last few days have not been too kind to me at all. I sit here as you read trying to figure out what has gone on over the last few days? The effect this has has on not only me but the people around me aswell.

While FND has really taken it out on me, on Thursday I got to see my own GP who has had new information from the neurologist and has been able to try and help me with the medication I take. By the end of this you will understand the amount of tablets I am on and the added strain it has put onto them around me.

So I went to see the GP, who has now upped the amount of beta blockers I am on to try and deal with the headaches, and also added Gabapentin (900mg) a day to my ever growing amount of tablets I have to take, while discussing my needs etc with the Dr, I mentioned about me thinking I might have tonsillitis, I explained that I know this is not something they can do about as it is normally just a viral infection and should go away its self, the Dr agreed but wanted to take a look anyway, and unfortunately for me, I had a pretty bad chase and would need antibiotics 4 times a day, so this added onto the ever growing list of tablets I have to take. So here I am for the next 7 days taking 114 tablets for the week!

With all this extra medication I had to take, it it very hard to keep track and my phone alarm goes off all the time, even at 5am when I have to take the antibiotics! This in turn messes up my body clock like you wouldn’t believe. Also to add to everything else today I had to go back to the RLI as my plaster cast was rubbing and felt very loose, which they agreed it was too loose and I have had to have another one put on.

New Plaster cast

I sit here at 10 pm writing this, thinking back on everything, I have gone back and read my previous post to see how much progress I have made. I can say that I have made a fair amount of progress but is it the amount I would like to have completed? No I don’t think so, but really will I be ever happy with the amount of progress been made? I don’t think so.

I am trying to figure out in my head how all this makes sense, because if I am truly honest with my self it doesn’t, how am /i going to cope come September when Rachel is back at work, with my brother being off his feet aswell. I can’t rely on Grandparent’s. i am also worrying about work, where does all that fit into this? how am I going to be able to manage myself and a full time job? If I cant work, how am I going to be able to support my family?

All of this is really starting to take its toll, its really getting me down and putting me in a place I would rather not be right now. I went out today in my wheelchair and thought “by heck its cold, what am I going to be like in the winter?” What am I going to be like in the winter? oh my god? it isn’t that far away, I am going to be stuck in the house not being able to go any where? what kind of life is this? I dread to think…..

Anyway I have community physio assessment in my home tomorrow so hopefully I will be able to set a few goals and work towards them! Untill i get the time or mind space to write again, stay safe!!


3 thoughts on “Thoughts can be dangerous!

  1. Aww Matthew I hope the anti bs help the tonsillitis that on its own is going to make you feel rubbish! Glad you got your cast checked & loving the blue! You know you’re not alone in your thoughts I was only saying yesterday about how things will change in the winter! It sounds like your feeling overwhelmed my friend, you’re doing amazing even if it doesn’t feel like it & I can relate to there not feeling like I’ve done ‘good enough’ when I was in hospital but was told to drop perfectionism (easier said then done) it’s hard when comparing ourselves ‘before’& now which is where mindfulness comes in to help keep us in the moment. Frustration is hard & you’re on a lot of tablets your body needs to adjust too. Take it one moment at a time & remember we’re all here for you! Send my love to Rachel & the girls & I hope you have a better day! X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awww, Matthew I’m sure other family members are willing to help! You will get there eventually just one step at a time, don’t run before you can walk. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I myself have been there a few times over these last few years. If you need any help all you have to do is ask I’m only at the other end of the phone! You are very dearly loved! Xx


  3. Hi Matthew,
    Don’t let your situation get you down, stay positive and good things will happen, don’t fall into that hole.

    Keep up with the meditation, think of all the good things in your life and focus on them.

    Florence will keep you lifted, children are magic at doing that. Your reason for being. They keep you going.

    I know its hard but try not to think too far ahead and second guess what it will be like.
    Take each day as it comes and enjoy them even if there is only 5 minutes of joy in some days, better than not at all.

    Florence and Rachel will be the source of your positiveness and uplifting, soak it up and store it for the dark moments.

    Don’t worry about the winter, we will find a way to make sure you are not cooped up and going stir crazy.

    You are here and have a place in so many lives, we all love you no matter what.

    Auntie Denise


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