Hello? Are you there? Yes, it’s me Matthew
Now have a seat where ever you may be reading this, it may just be a good read!
Firstly sorry for the lack of a blog post or even any action on my social media, I have really been trying to get my head around be back on my own for most part of the day. Well kind of, I still have people coming in to see me Speech and Physio therapy, and from next week I have someone coming from occupational therapy and a support worker to help me get out of the house etc.
So what has been going on with me, I would like to sit here and tell you that I have being doing loads, but the reality is I haven’t. It’s been a funny kind of week and really makes you think about what is going to happen over the next few months.
A few weeks ago someone asked me about how I would feel about going out by myself, getting a coffee maybe? My first thought was, holy crap, I haven’t really out any thought into going somewhere on my own? The prospect of this really makes me feel anxious. A million questions come to mind, even sat here writing this gives me a dry mouth and makes my hands sweaty. I haven’t really been anywhere by my self since May.
Now many people would think well what has that got to with anything, well I can tell you I would have a massive panic attack if I was to go anywhere on my own! I believe right now it is the fear if the unknown. If I can’t even get to a cafe and have a coffee by myself how the heck am I meant to get to work and complete a day there?
Being at home for the best part of 11 hours a day by yourself gives you a lot of time to think, now some say this is a bad thing and some say a good, I can tell you that it has its good days and it’s bad. Some days I have a very positive attitude to everything, thinking I will get everything sorted, housework, do my own physio etc, and some days I don’t even want to move.
Someone told me this week that men don’t talk enough about how they are feeling, and I’ll be honest I don’t talk a lot about how I feel and I should, to my wife, family and even my doctor. I’m going to try and put on here how I am feeling, and then pluck up the courage to talk to others about it.
The sigma around men talking about there feelings is that men are meant to be the strong ones, the brick, the hard man if you like but people need to remember that men have feeling too, we can get hurt just like anyone else. If I sit here and really ask my self how I am feeling, well it goes a little something like this.
I am happy …..at points, knowing that even writing this blog can help some people, I am happy I have a roof over my head, a wife, 2 amazing children and family that will do anything for me at a drop of a hat. Some people don’t have that…..I have a very close group of new friends that I have made, and they are my FND Family, I have great work come ues who check in with me often. So let’s go a little deeper, these see what is under that……sadness? I really don’t like being by myself, I just want to be back out in the world and talking to others, seeing people that I haven’t seen is such a long time. I am sure mixed in there is some kind of hate towards myself, I hate that I am like this, I hate that I can’t get words out the way I want, that my legs don’t work the way I am telling them too. I have a tremor in my hands which is both really annoying and hurts. I hate that I am on pain 80% of my day, but I can’t tell people about this as I don’t want them to think I am moaning about what I am going through. I feel like I have to just get one with it, “man up” is the term which is used a lot, but guess what under all this and if I truly ask my self, I am not okay. Do I need help? Most likely, will I ask for it, no. Why you ask! Because I am meant to just get in with it, at least that’s the sigma around it.
So if you a man or even a women reading this right now, and your not feeling right inside, look to the person who is next to you right now, do nest matter who it is, tell them…..I AM NOT OKAY! Go on do it now! This is will start the conversation that may be long over due and it will make you feel better, just share that little bit of a burden. See have you told them? Makes you feel a little bit better doesn’t it!
Well anyway that’s enough from me for the time being, big shout out to Michelle who has had a week from hell, hope your feeling better soon and to them who have been asking about another group video call, keep your eyes peeled, bug things coming very soon!
Love you all