Men have feeling too!

Hello? Are you there? Yes, it’s me Matthew 

Now have a seat where ever you may be reading this, it may just be a good read!

Firstly sorry for the lack of a blog post or even any action on my social media, I have really been trying to get my head around be back on my own for most part of the day. Well kind of, I still have people coming in to see me Speech and Physio therapy, and from next week I have someone coming from occupational therapy and a support worker to help me get out of the house etc. 

So what has been going on with me, I would like to sit here and tell you that I have being doing loads, but the reality is I haven’t. It’s been a funny kind of week and really makes you think about what is going to happen over the next few months. 

A few weeks ago someone asked me about how I would feel about going out by myself, getting a coffee maybe? My first thought was, holy crap, I haven’t really out any thought into going somewhere on my own? The prospect of this really makes me feel anxious. A million questions come to mind, even sat here writing this gives me a dry mouth and makes my hands sweaty. I haven’t really been anywhere by my self since May. 

Now many people would think well what has that got to with anything, well I can tell you I would have a massive panic attack if I was to go anywhere on my own! I believe right now it is the fear if the unknown. If I can’t even get to a cafe and have a coffee by myself how the heck am I meant to get to work and complete a day there? 

Being at home for the best part of 11 hours a day by yourself gives you a lot of time to think, now some say this is a bad thing and some say a good, I can tell you that it has its good days and it’s bad. Some days I have a very positive attitude to everything, thinking I will get everything sorted, housework, do my own physio etc, and some days I don’t even want to move. 

Someone told me this week that men don’t talk enough about how they are feeling, and I’ll be honest I don’t talk a lot about how I feel and I should, to my wife, family and even my doctor. I’m going to try and put on here how I am feeling, and then pluck up the courage to talk to others about it. 

The sigma around men talking about there feelings is that men are meant to be the strong ones, the brick, the hard man if you like but people need to remember that men have feeling too, we can get hurt just like anyone else. If I sit here and really ask my self how I am feeling, well it goes a little something like this. 

I am happy …..at points, knowing that even writing this blog can help some people, I am happy I have a roof over my head, a wife, 2 amazing children and family that will do anything for me at a drop of a hat. Some people don’t have that…..I have a very close group of new friends that I have made, and they are my FND Family, I have great work come ues who check in with me often. So let’s go a little deeper, these see what is under that……sadness? I really don’t like being by myself, I just want to be back out in the world and talking to others, seeing people that I haven’t seen is such a long time. I am sure mixed in there is some kind of hate towards myself, I hate that I am like this, I hate that I can’t get words out the way I want, that my legs don’t work the way I am telling them too. I have a tremor in my hands which is both really annoying and hurts. I hate that I am on pain 80% of my day, but I can’t tell people about this as I don’t want them to think I am moaning about what I am going through. I feel like I have to just get one with it, “man up” is the term which is used a lot, but guess what under all this and if I truly ask my self, I am not okay. Do I need help? Most likely, will I ask for it, no. Why you ask! Because I am meant to just get in with it, at least that’s the sigma around it. 

So if you a man or even a women reading this right now, and your not feeling right inside, look to the person who is next to you right now, do nest matter who it is, tell them…..I AM NOT OKAY! Go on do it now! This is will start the conversation that may be long over due and it will make you feel better, just share that little bit of a burden. See have you told them? Makes you feel a little bit better doesn’t it! 

Well anyway that’s enough from me for the time being, big shout out to Michelle who has had a week from hell, hope your feeling better soon and to them who have been asking about another group video call, keep your eyes peeled, bug things coming very soon! 

Love you all

Stay Safe 

Matthew 

7 thoughts on “Men have feeling too!

  1. Hi Matthew, I’ve just sat & read your so interesting blog! My goodness I can relate to almost all of what you’ve just written!! I’ve just not been able to work it out or recognise it even. Michelle is often saying to me she’s convinced I have it, & now I am too! I was wrongly diagnosed with Parkinson’s 2014! I’m finding it hard dealing with Neurology where I live, it’s like their angry with me for their misdiagnosis! I appreciate your blog & wish you well Matthew! I definitely understand your feelings. Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Keep writing your blog, get your thoughts and feelings out there, you are not alone.
    I saw a friend last week and was describing FND to her and your symptoms, she is convinced her friends husband has it and I have given her the links to share.
    You are helping more people than you realise
    Keep up the good work.
    Auntie D
    Xx

    Like

  3. Keep it going Mathew, great blog, I to have FND. Probably your blog helps you stay positive , and certainly provides information for others with this condition. Men don’t cry?? Let it out, you will feel better for it.

    Like

  4. Hi Mathew
    Interesting reading your blog, understand how your feeling. I have now been diagnosed with FND. I have been very lucky with the neurologist i have and I am currently taking part in a trail with my local hospital and St George’s in London to see what effect physiotherapy can have on our symptoms. I have not been able to work for 6 yrs now and found it really hard to deal with . Keep trying but don’t feel bad if your not able to do something.

    Like

  5. Hi Matthew.
    Thank you for this! I can relate to most of your journey and after not being ok for 4 years I have only just been able to tell someone “you know what..no I am not ok” I’ve stopped speaking to people about it as like you I was fed up of what could be perceived as moaning(it isnt).
    Thank you again for sharing this as it does highlight that FND is real and more people than I even realized do suffer..
    Thanks again Matthew
    Mel

    Like

  6. Hey I have just been diagnosed with FND, I’m 23 and I am finding it so hard. I have been going for tests for 2 years to have specialists tell me.they have no idea what is going on. I then was lieing on my bed one night and my legs stopped working and speech went very poor all of a sudden so I was admitted into hospital. I even struggled with my vision and talking, it took me ages just to move my legs. Now I am back home however I can’t do things I could of done before, I can’t work anymore as I am in a wheelchair. This all happened months ago and learning to do everything again in pain all the time and trying to put a smile on for my partner and for my son.

    Reading your post really helps me thank you .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Chloe, I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this too!! If you ever need to chat about it all please drop me a email (mattynewsham@googlemail.com) or find me on Twitter @MatthewNewsham1 #fnd #fndfamily #fndfriends

      Like

Leave a Reply to William Buse Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s