Welcome to 2020

For them who are new to my blog, in the middle of last year I was dignosed with Function Nuerolical Disorder (FND) FND is a condition in which patients experience neurological symptoms such as weakness, movement disorders, sensory symptoms and blackouts. The brain of a patient with functional neurological symptom disorder is structurally normal, but functions incorrectly. There is a issue between the brain and sending signals to the right part of the body.

Well here we are 2020, a date everyone thought we might be living on the moon and driving around in the sky.

Happy New Year!

Well sit down and have five minutes and listen to what’s in my blog, the first one of the year….

So while we may not be living on the moon, sometimes I feel it might be best if we were. At least if I was. Everyone has gone back to the grind this week, which leaves me feeling like I’m back at the start of things. I have made a extensive list of things I want to get done around the house. While I do have people around that I can go and see, I don’t want then staying in just because I am coming to see them.

I have finally got my letter from the nureolgist I saw in London who wants to make some changed to my medication I am on, now hopfully my GP will be able to have a look at it and get the tablets right at least. I know myself I really need to get myself off one of them as they are not agreeing with me and making me feel really bad about everything. Some days they make me feel soo low, its hard to function.

My physio has been a god send this week, and it helping me with getting a device that should stop my foot dragging on the floor as much, I have totally ruined my Stan Smiths 😭

I have been very lucky with the community help I have received, and I can’t thank them all enough, but I do feel like it is all going to come to a end….. What else can they do for me? I know there are people in my area who I feel are in more need of their services than I am. We shall see how the coming weeks plan out.

I am currently back and forth with my works Occupational Health about getting back to work. I don’t think I have wanted to get back to work soo much, everyone tells me to enjoy the time off I have, but when you can’t get out far, and everyone else is at work, there is only soo many boxsets you can watch lol. I will keep on the case and hopfully they will be able to get me back into work sooner rather than later.

2019 was but a intresting year, I had soo many plans that just didn’t go the way I wanted them to. Most of that I’d down to FND, and they way it effect my family and my life, but I am determined that now we are in 2020, FND is not going to get in the way of everything I want to do.

Sometimes I just want someone to see life though my eyes, even just for a day, see what goes on in my head and how I have to deal with it all. How frustrated I get when I can’t walk around properly or get the words out that I am trying to, but then on the other hand I don’t think this would be fair.

I have had a headache for most of this week which seems to be subsiding, but I have learnt that complaining about it doesn’t help, so old school me, head down and crack on.

The last few months I have really been struggling with my mental health aswell…..

I really feel like my days end up as one, they all seem to be a blur, I really try to think about what I have done over the last few days and weeks and I really struggle to remeber what I have done.

Somedays I feel like I’m living life on the edge, I don’t know which way to turn, I feel really low in myself, I feel like is this it? Am I going to have a breakdown? Come on Matthew pull your self togther! Hold on to everything which is pulling you back down to earth! My wife, kids and family. How do I get past this? I just hear them voices telling me to re center myself, take a moment to reflect on the day! And then there is the others….. The bad ones, the ones I try and hide, but for how much longer can I do that for? How long till they become louder and drown out the ones who want me to recenter me!

Hoping for a solution from someone…… Anyone…. Just someone please!

Untill next time

Stay safe

Matthew

One thought on “Welcome to 2020

  1. You can do this, you just have to to tell the dark voices to piss off. I’ve been there a couple of times and it isn’t nice or easy to fight but like you said in your blog, fight for your wife and your kids and hold on to them when they aren’t there with you. It will get easier now you have spoken out about it and I think you should see your GP about some sort of therapy. Keep strong xx

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