A Lost Hope

Hello, how are you doing? Is everything okay? It is me again, here writing down my thoughts and hoping that someone is listening, sit back read and enjoy.

I titled this weeks blog A lost hope, now what do we really mean by this? what relevance does it have to me and my life. the short answer is that sometimes I feel like I am a lost hope, like many others who suffer with FND. The hidden condition in which not many people know much about. I personally have been very lucky with the medical professionals involved in my care, all of them going out of their way to find out more information about this condition. I always try and teach people about this condition where ever I can, if that is a medical professional or someone from work.

The saying that I hear a lot is “When life gives you lemons….” yeah I could make lemonade but it isn’t always possible, sometimes the lemons are just left, on the side to decompose into nothing. Which in a way is how I feel right now, like I have been left to decompose. Everyone does try and be as supportive as they can, but sometimes it is just not enough. I feel like I am a burden on people.

Like I said in my last blog, I have started ccounseling to try and help with my mental health, as this has taken a big hit over the last year. I cant help the way I feel but I wish I could just make it stop, the feelings I have, the feeling of being a lost hope.

I do believe this whole situation with the Coronavirus has not helped, and with already trying to deal with everything that is going on, the fact I have not really been out anywhere in weeks apart from to the shop at the end of the street has made my social anxiety go through the roof!

I look back over the last 12 months, I see my friendship circle deplete, people who were close to me are there no more. People I once called my colleagues are now my friends! Forget about them who don’t care and concentrate on the ones who do. I did have a very good friendship group who I spoke with everyday, but for one thing or another, they have just gone. Disappeared, don’t want to know anymore, this hurts more than I can put into words, the only positive that I can take from it is that I know who the people who care are, and I am thankful for them!

Things are now looking like they are returning to what we will have to call “the new normal” with Rachel going back to work in a few weeks, shops starting to re open and the ecomany trying to find its feet again. This brings a wave of different emotions, and as much as I try and supress them, it is hard. The worry that everyone is going to be going back to some form of life before COVID-19, I am stuck, here at home. While I have made huge steps with getting back to work (Working form home) it is not the same as going into the office.

While talking about work, this week I have made the decision to take a cut in hours, moving from full time to part time. I have had to think of the long term, my health and the effects of working full time will have on my body. While this is going into the unknown, it has to be better than the worry of how I am going to be able to fulfil the hours my contract required of me.

While I am finishing up writing this weeks blog, I ask you one question. Do you have a friend that you have not spoken to in a while? If the answer is yes and you can not think of a good reason to why, then reach out, just say hello. They may be thinking that you are not talking to them and vice versa. Life is far too short not to talk to people, you never really know when you will next talk to them or even see them! So what are you waiting for? just pick up the phone.

Un till next time, Stay Safe


5 thoughts on “A Lost Hope

  1. That picture is so strong.
    You are doing amazing.
    Don’t be hard on yourself.


  2. As always, brilliant blog and the mental health side of things really hit home for me and remind me that I need to ring up to try and get my councilling! Stay safe and remember we are always there for you if you need us! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Matthew, I found your blog on FND action. I was literally diagnosed yesterday but had a suspected stroke like you in May 2019. I was having and still am having seizures! I have struggled with my cognitive abilities in this last year and have felt beyond stupid however glad to have the experience of a person similar in age and situation. I work part-time and feel that is a good balance for me. I also don’t rely on my stick (roy) so much! This year has been a real slog so well done. I think understanding “the harder you try, the harder it is” from my neurologist was utterly hilarious and I wish I could have said that last year to me when I was slogging my guts out trying to finish my masters! I haven’t finished it yet but now I know not to go to mad! Just chillax as the kids say!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lisa Marie, thank you for the comment. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope that somewhere within it all you find some answers that you maybe searching for.
      Please feel free to contact me anytime you wish.
      Stay safe


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